A friend shared this with me and I just broke down . The Spirit touched my heart and as I sat there trying to compose myself during church, I was reminded of the baggage I still carried on my own. The load I carry is heavy—too heavy at times. I struggle with asking for help. Trauma has taught me to be over-reliant, doing things on my own. I needed this tender reminder. I am not alone and I do not have to do it by myself.

“It’s your fault.”

I'll never forget those damaging words my relative told me when she found out about my husband's affairs. My heart sank to my stomach and I felt like my breath was knocked out of me. It sent me into a desperate spiral of needing to fix my marriage. It was my burden to bear because it was my fault.

As I was listening to "The Reason" by Hoobastank while I was working, I had a different perspective. Instead of from the perspective of one person to another, I thought, what if I was singing this to myself?

Years ago, I spoke to a group of ladies at church about scattering sunshine. It’s easy to spread love and joy when you’re happy, right? 

But what if you aren’t happy or are in the midst of a rough patch? What then?

My answer is this—everyone (yes, everyone, even you) has something to offer. What is it that we see in darkness? 

I was thinking about pain the other day. What is it about pain that typically motivates us more than anything else? Why do we have to hit rock bottom before we have that push to climb back up?

Now I know that I’m not allergic to bees.  One of the many takeaways from having a small swarm of honeybees in my house.

It was late afternoon. I was working on my laptop at the kitchen table while my daughters played in the swimming pool.  I noticed a mild buzzing and assumed it was a fly that had snuck in the house.  Something buzzed near me and I lightly swatted it away, not thinking much of it. I kept working for another ten minutes, not paying attention to the flying creatures trapped behind the shutters of the nearby windows.  

I called the girls inside to get ready for dinner and didn’t think anything of the light buzzing and the occasional flying creature.  As we sat down to eat, we noticed more flying creatures. 

“There’s bees in the house, Mom!” my youngest daughter cried.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot as I’ve struggled over the last several years to find footing and balance in my “new norm.” I never anticipated being a full-time working mom, let alone a single mom dealing with my own trauma while helping my children navigate theirs.

I have my own survival story; survival from abuse and infidelity. We each have our own story and the trials that shape our character. Some trials are short and others seem never ending. Each trial, however, is there to teach us about God’s individual plan for each of us, and to teach us about the Atonement and how to utilize it in our daily lives.

After I found out about my husband’s affair, and then discovered it continued and we divorced, I avoided the temple. (For those not familiar with my faith—we have temples all over the world for members of our church to make sacred covenants with God and do the same for our ancestors, thus connecting our family here on earth with those who’ve previously died, so that we can be together after this life. The temple is a holy place where we can feel more connected with God and Christ). I felt out of place because my husband didn’t honor the promises and covenants he made when we were married in the temple. I felt lonely and angry that even though I had lived up to my covenants, I was being punished by his betrayal. I was ashamed of what he did and ashamed that my marriage had failed. Those feelings of shame, grief, and loneliness compounded when we divorced.

Everyone has painful experiences, and I don't share mine to diminish anyone else's. When someone reaches out and shares their story with me, my heart hurts with theirs.

Today’s post is about healing and I pray that what I’ve been prompted to share will help those who are in need.

Hope is delicate and powerful.  There have been times in my life when hope saved me.  

I’ve been prompted to open up about my story and I pray that it helps others. I know that it helped me to know that I wasn’t alone when I was first dealing with this stuff. I don’t wish this type of pain on anyone.

I vividly remember the night I found out about my husband’s affair. I never thought for a second that this could happen to me.

Did you know that miracles still exist? They aren’t limited to Biblical times, nor are they only limited to the miracles Jesus performed while on the earth. Because He lives, we still have miracles today. We still have access to angelic help.

I know this because I’ve experienced miracles in my own life. I’ve experienced angelic help. Just recently I experienced a mighty miracle in my life. I know that it would not have come to pass without divine intervention.

Forgiveness is especially when you don’t receive an apology.

Forgiveness, like healing, isn’t linear, nor is it a one and done sort of thing. It took me years to forgive my ex for all the abuse, lies, and infidelity.

Did he deserve my forgiveness? No.
Did he ask for it? Definitely not.

I even went as far as forgiving his family and our “friends” who took part in his schemes. Was it easy? Hard no.